Commitments are tough.
Commitments in and out of the therapy session are hard to keep, even when those commitments are based on what matters to us. A working definition of a commitment can be verbal agreements (spoken or written) for things we are going to do or not do. Committing to some form of active change, engaging in exposure exercises, abstaining from/reducing the use of substances, showing more patience with a loved one, practicing psychological tools, and writing blog posts pose challenges! Each may involve delayed gratification (a lack of contact with the end state when starting and maintaining action), forgoing numerous distractions offered by modern living, making time to engage in the new commitment, uncertainty in the outcome of our efforts, and grappling with other life responsibilities.
There are practical aspects that can discourage us from persisting with commitments, such as a car not starting as we prepare to go to the gym, an unexpected additional responsibility (choosing to aid a friend after an accident), dealing with a sudden-onset illness, or physical injury, or even the volume of things to be done within the limited number of hours in the day. However, even under ideal conditions, where nothing in our environment interferes directly with a commitment, psychological obstacles may thwart us from persistence. We may have thoughts such as, "I shouldn’t have to do this; they need to change, not me; I’m too tired; I’m stuck; this is the way I am; I can’t get out of my way; maybe this is just my life; it’s hopeless," etc., or allow our emotions to get the best of us (anger, frustration, sadness, nervousness).
It may seem odd, but we can use the psychological challenges arising as an indicator that we have the option to change, and the moment is now available. We often identify the amplification of psychological challenges as indicating something is wrong (e.g., intensifying worry, distressing memories). At certain times, this is the case. However, often, when heading in a new direction, these concerns show up. For example, anxiety may appear when starting a new activity or meeting new people, even when connection and engagement in a new adventure are important to us. The key is learning how to respond to these challenging thoughts and feelings differently so that they are not a barrier to improving our quality of life.
Additionally, navigating the web of commitments may be challenging, such as when competing commitments exist. We may work on ourselves by exercising at the gym regularly while attempting to spend more time with family. We may shift our schedules to gain adequate sleep, but we have committed to a degree program and a full-time job. We may have decided to be more assertive in a relationship, yet we also want to live peacefully. Choosing what to forgo or lapse in conflicting commitments can be agonizing, especially when there are tradeoffs for equally meaningful paths.
Although it is difficult to find harmony in commitments, there are ways to assist in moving forward. First, be clear about your commitment(s). If the choice is to have better boundaries in relationships, ask yourself with whom, what it will look like, and what psychological and/or external challenges may show up. Second, identify why the commitment matters and connect with the reason as you engage. Perhaps it is to be a more effective communicator of personal wants and needs and break the loop of people pleasing. Third, commitments are often demonstrated more than once. Sometimes, commitments are most effective when we renew and follow through with commitments each day or when opportunities arise. For example, to be a more present and understanding partner, you may choose to start the morning thinking about how to interact with them more fully before saying good morning. Fourth, anticipating problems with commitments can help identify what to do if something goes awry by planning when the obstacle appears rather than waiting for issues and then reacting to them.
Commitments are tough and help us lead a richer life with more vitality. If you would like to learn more about setting achievable and reasonable values-based commitments, identifying, learning, and using skills that can help connect to the person you would like to be, contact me, Dr. Glenn Sloman, at 321-345-0579 or gsloman@flpsychcenter.com.
